September 16, 2011

A bigger perspective...

Many years ago I was a young girl with life ahead of me.
I guess I was conflicted in many ways, like most teenagers!
I had a very strict vision on the world and on myself.
I was built and yet confined by a certain system of rules and regulations and empathy was not a natural part of me.
I was a good girl in many ways, but I have always been extremely strong and determined on where I want to go, and since I was a newborn this has been a challenge.

Mom used to tell me to stay in the play pin, she turned for 2 seconds and when she looked back to check on me - I was gone!
Still I do what I please and come and go as I want, almost...
Of course I adjusted to society (I am not a dumb ass after all...) and like all others I have to work, and I have responsibilities and obligations.
 But still, the girl with cohones (over the male average might I add) and fighter spirit rule this small temple of Annie, 167 cm above sea level.

So what changed me?
What made me into the person I am today?
Oh, where to begin...

I had a rough couple of years and a few experiences I could have gone without.
I have tasted pain and looked death in the eyes.

Those dark dark eyes...
They have a colour which is hard to explain.
The darkness seem to be never ending and never beginning.
The pain I would best describe as a constant nightmare.
Black with no air.

So tell me how am I supposed to breathe without air and live in something that I cannot explain as anything other than a black void.
Without feeling anything above the scale of what should be the absolute minimum of what should be accepted as a decent quality of life?
How does one get back on ones feet and declare victory a´last?
I have the answer to that...
For me it was:

In stead of trying to fight it or push it away, trying to get just one glimpse of sunlight or just one breath of fresh air; let go and accept the pain.

I would describe the pain and sorrow like this:
It is a real life monster.
It is bigger than your worst nightmare.
It will take your soul and eat you from inside out.
It will take away your freedom and your hope and it will control you.
Everything you think, feel and do will be in the monsters possession.
It will take the beauty, laughter and light inside you and remove it from your soul.
It will bring you to your knees!

How can you ever accept this?
When all is lost and there is nothing to gain-
When you have given up and your feet can no longer carry you-
When your mind is tired and there are no tears left-
Then and no sooner...
You can accept!

At this very moment, when you not only say it out loud, but mean it in your soul:
You see the light again.
You feel the sun.
You can breathe.
You are free!

My monster still lives inside me, but we have a deal now.
He can visit when he sees it fit and I will let him control me for only a moment. 
I will send him on his way and in some weird and twisted way I will be grateful he stopped by.
It means that I have not forgotten what was once taken from me and I will never forget what it felt like. 
I would like it undone a thousand times, but I don´t want to forget the pain.
It was a part of the process.

A part of my process of becoming a better person and who I am today.
The tragedy touched many people and it is now 11 years ago.
The tragedy changed many people 11 years ago, and I suspect it is still changing us today.
It made us bigger and we grew into better versions of what we once were.
We became more humble.
More understanding to what life is actually about.
We might forget from time to time, but then the monster will remind us that life is fragile.
You should laugh and love!

And you should always be thankful for what you have received, good or bad, you learned a lesson from it!
It gives you perspective.
A bigger perspective!

This was a very depressing post on a Friday...
I guess it was time I said it and shared it with you.
At one point we will all face loss in our lives.

Maybe you can relate to my perspective?
I hope not, but it is always good to feel that I have touched at least one person with my words and heartfelt thoughts.
After all - this is a piece of my soul.

I wish you a great weekend and hope you wake up Saturday morning with this in your heart:

In the words of Paolo Coelho:
Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, live truly, and forgive quickly.


  1. Må si det falt noen tårer når jeg leser dette, kjenner meg veldig godt igjen i det du skriver her.

  2. Forstå meg rett Anna - det varmer å høre! Håper du har funnet aksepten i deg, i din prossess... <3

  3. Jo takk. Det har jeg, men kjente meg veldig igjen i det du skrev. :)