October 12, 2011

The intolerable lightness of being!

Milan Kundera would describe it as unbearable... 
I describe it as absolutely intolerable!

Lightness of being;
in my head best summed up as mere physical being.
Mentally - can being ever be considered light?
I am not one to accept the formalities of life as society would best have it, confined and dependable.
I could never fully be me, without discovering and developing myself and all that surrounds me.

I would like to be a writer. But surely I am a writer?
What does a writer make? Words?
If so - I am a writer. 
A published one even (at least on this blog)!

I would like to be a photographer. But surely I am a photographer?
What does a photographer make? Pictures?
If so - I am a photographer too.
Published even.

I will not say it is as easy as I just wrapped it up to be.
I find it to be a constant fight.
A personal war.
A personal love affair.
All is fair in love and war...

The lightness of being can only be experienced once you give up or surrender to life. 
You stop searching and you stop evolving. 
So I would not wish this lightness on my worst enemy!
It would leave nothing but an empty shell.

In my search for "world dominance" I find myself to be exhausted.
I feel like a marathon runner, closing in on the finish line.
I see it and it is not at all far away, but for some reason my legs will not follow my instructions.
Why am I always in a hurry?
Relax, take your time honey, you will get there!
For the time being I need to breathe and relax.
Hurry slowly, you know.

I am proving myself to someone.
I REALLY wish I knew who!
It is not my family nor my friends, so it leaves me with a weary suspicion...
Can it be ME?!
If so, Anne Elisabeth would turn out to be my own worst enemy.
What a frightening thought!
Terrifying actually...

In a world where all is fair I guess I would be a paid photographer and a writer.
I would spend spring and fall in Paris, in my apartment by the Seine.
I would bring my camera one day and my mac the other.
I would drink my espresso and eat my croissants at my favourite cafe.
I would listen to Sarah Vaughan and my creativity would rule my universe, without questions asked and I would always be a person in creative zen.
Only differences from my life today?
- Paris!
- Of course a more relaxed schedule...
- And lacking the sense of ZEN.

I think it is time I not only see my creativity, but fully learn to accept it.
Meaning sleepless nights, ideas when I should be resting, a sensitive mind and a vulnerable soul.

Like the great Odd Nerdrum said:
"A man must suffer a bit, to become a real man."
(Also goes for women...!)
Without trials and tribulations one can never be of the creative sort, which only leaves me to think that all creative souls at some level will for ever be in turmoil, without the ability to be at the stage of "lightness of being". 
They don´t have the ability to accept, they are constantly searching for new ideas or mountains to climb.

I want to write more.
I want to write a book and I want to write a column.
Sorry to say, but there is a lot of shitty writing out there, and by stating that fact I just put my writing above it all (just the shitty writing!!!)... 
Fact is, I like writing and I like MY writing, if I didn´t, I surly would NOT write at all?!
And I would not share it with you!
Take it or leave it basically. 

We are all told that we should believe in ourselves and I am constantly discovering my pros and cons. 
It is exciting and tiresome at the same time!
I could definitely be more consistent and put all my energy into ONE thing at a time, but I fail at the attempt over and over again...
How come it seems like most people can choose a profession and stick by it?
I said: it seems...
I sometimes wish I could be like that and not be creative, but that would be the same thing as saying: I wish I never had my baby.
I would never say it, but when times get tough I sometimes wonder;
What if?
9:00 to 5:00 baby, 9:00 to 5:00...

Oh well!
I am not a pioneer.
I am not a philosopher.
I am just a young woman looking for a way to get the utmost out of her self proclaimed (...) talent.
So let me!
If not for the NEW YORK TIMES or Conde Nast, let me use this simple blog to be what I desperately want to be:
A photographer.
A writer.
A modern woman standing on her own two feet.
This is my escape from, or my voice for, my very own war/love affair.

You can choose to read it.
You can choose to comment.
Or you can choose to read something else.

In my mind this is my pursuit of happiness and surely you can now agree that from my point of view the lightness of being is absolutely intolerable!

Oh - if you happen to come across a vacancy at Conde Nast as photographer and or writer - send me an email yeah? ;)

As usual - click on the image to get a bigger version.
From my latest lover - Paris <3

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